Maybe baby, Part II.

Well, I finished the Amy Grant video I started the other night as chronicled in this blog post. Let me start by making a correction to my previous post. Amy doesn't wear bright gold pants. She wears bright pink pants and a bright gold jacket with bright silver shoes. And a brooch that really ties everything together. I also forgot to mention this one guy in the audience who dances like he's having an embolism. At the start of a chorus of Grant's song Emmanuel, he throws his head forward so hard I swear he broke a vertebra. Then he turns to the left just so he can bang his head at someone else. If those dancers weren't so well separated, someone could have been killed.

Now on to the new stuff. Boy does this special get bland. Yeesh. There isn't any more footage from her big concert, which is the closest this film comes to rocking. Instead, we get Amy and Gary singing a song they wrote by a campfire, "Tennessee Christmas." It isn't at all a bad song, and Gary looks a lot more comfortable when he only has to play guitar. When they make him lip-synch his background vocals, however, his lips are way off. The best part of this scene is when a single tear runs down Jenny's face. I swear I saw it happen, but I couldn't believe it.

Before that, Amy visited a local museum where Dennis Weaver spews some crap about the Black Elk word for horse, which apparently translates literally to Elkdog. As if I care. Then he shows them some art that's such a dark brown, it barely shows up on camera. It seriously looks like a carved pile of shit. That's not even a joke. It literally looks like poop.

Later, Dennis inexplicably drops Amy off at a local store. I don't know why he's ditching her here. He just says he'll "be back later." What, in like 10 minutes? In three hours? Tomorrow? What an asshole.

The store is filled with useless crap and the scene is filled with useless dialogue. This is where Ed Begley, Jr. shows up (also inexplicably) as the store manager, Moose. As she's purportedly looking for a Christmas gift for her dad, Ed shows Amy a number of items: a lamp made out of Elk hooves; a stuffed bear; and various other crimes against nature. You think someone as green as Ed Begley, Jr would take exception to all this dead animal, but he doesn't seem to mind. After all, they paid him like $50 to do the special and he was just excited to be able to eat that week. I think he improvised his way through this scene, because it's gibberish. Eh, you get what you pay for.

After this, Amy goes to sing at a recital with some church choir, and this is where I tuned out again, because my stars was it boring. Just a total yawn-fest. And then Art Garfunkel shows up in his best Cosby sweater. I never knew it, but Art Garfunkel is a real creep. He doesn't do anything but sing, but he has that soft, high-pitched voice that makes him sound like the kind of guy who picks up kids after that aren't his. They sing a few songs I guess. Like I said, I tuned out.

I tuned back in -- as much as you can tune in to a program like this -- when it looked like Amy was singing by herself again. But then a bunch of jerks showed up. These jerks consisted of Gary Chapman, Dennis Weaver, Kaleena Kiff, Ed Begley Jr. and sigh...Art Garfunkel. I thought we'd gotten rid of him. They all uncomfortably sing along to "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing." Ed looks like he doesn't know why he's there, probably because he can't sing for beans. Plus, he'd rather be eating that can of beans he bought after getting his paycheck. At one point, Gary looks like he's really into singing, because he cranes his head up and to the right in this awesome rock star pose, as if he wanted to sing directly to God. I'm pretty sure God missed out; he probably had his Walkman headphones on listening to Amy's last studio album instead.

That was it. I watched the damn tape. Where's a magnet when you need one?


3 comment(s).:

June 13, 2008 at 8:57 PM MPU said...

I don't think I ever saw that and I know I must have programmed the VCR to tape it.

June 13, 2008 at 9:29 PM Lee said...

I thought of that. It's on a tape of a bunch of Christmas stuff. The original Grinch cartoon, some crappy animated thing. The best part of this tape is the commercials. Maybe I'll blog about those next.

June 14, 2008 at 11:48 AM Peaches said...

Given the Dennis Weaver-playing-himself-with-a-fictional-daughter thing, the only thing missing would have been to Ed Asner-playing-Lou-Grant-being-Amy-Grant's-dad!

Come to think of it, I believe Art Garfunkel is always wearing those sweaters. Love the Michael J photo/equation.

This was an excellent wrap up to the awful Christmas special. It is starting to make me look askance at my husband for even having the thought, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's tape the "Amy Grant's Headin' Home for Holidays". Why didn't I suspect that side of him before? Number One: it is a Christmas special, with Christmas songs, and Number Two: it has Headin' in the title--never a good sign.

Love your fashion critique, by the way. The brooch must have been one of those Madeleine Albright monstrosities.

Yes, do tell us about the commercials.